Losing our baby was one of the most difficult experiences that we have ever gone through.
It was early one morning in May when I decided I needed to take a pregnancy test.
I was really craved spicy foods and my breasts were beginning to hurt like never before, which sparked some curiosity….
Without saying a word to a friend at work about thoughts of maybe being pregnant, I randomly told her that I was craving spicy food more than usual, and she exclaimed, “You’re pregnant!”
That very next morning I took the tests, and sure enough…. solid positives.
Waves of emotion came crashing over me.
Khyle and I had just gotten married the previous month (in April), and now we were going to have a baby!
We both love just being with each other, so the thought of having another person around was overwhelming for us. Although, we had been dreaming and talking about what it would be like to have kids, and how we would raise them.
I walked out of the bathroom with pregnancy test in hand, about to pass out, knees shaking, heart racing, and told Khyle that we were going to be parents.
We both didn’t know how to handle this. Blank stares, racing thoughts, and tears overcame us.
As we embraced each other, tears streaming down our faces, we knew (or thought) that our life being the two of us, was over for the next 18 years or so.
When we announced the news to family and friends, everyone was ecstatic. We were excited as well, but as all new parents, we were scared of the unknown.
At the first appointment, they took blood work and officiated the pregnancy. We received a little pregnancy goody bag of information and other new parent/baby items.
The second appointment is where we fell in love with our little one….
I got an ultrasound and we were able to see our baby for the first time. Our little peanut was wiggling and jiggling, kicking feet and moving hands all around.
Tears of joy streamed down our faces at the most beautiful, magical sight that we have ever seen.
I will never forget that moment, seeing the look in Khyle’s eyes as he gazed upon our wiggly baby on the screen.
We were able to take home the precious images of our little one, and put it up on our mantle.
After being inspired by the miracle in my belly, I began feeling all of the crazy things that women feel when they are pregnant….
My boobs got huge and super sore, my tummy felt bloated, I was hungry all of the time, ate every two hours, no longer did coffee taste good to me, I was exhausted by doing the little things that were effortless before, smells were smellier, my OCD and anxiety got worse, and my hormones were all over the place.
I certainly didn’t feel like myself.
We were working hard and making sure that we were getting prepared for this baby to arrive. Our families really helped us out by buying us baby clothes and giving us money so that I could buy new clothes for my changing body. We would go to the baby section at Target and even bought baby shirts with our favorite bands on them and tiny onesies that melted our hearts.
At our 4 month check up we were hoping to see what the sex of the baby was, and hear the heartbeat.
We were so excited for that appointment.
Waiting in the office for about half an hour before we got called in, we waited in the room for longer. There was no ultrasound machine so we were confused about what she was going to do, but she pulled out a small machine to hear the baby’s heartbeat….or so we thought.
She searched for a heartbeat, swirling the machine around on my tummy. We didn’t hear anything….then she said, “Sometimes it is like finding a needle in a haystack because the baby is so small at this point”.
After trying to find the heartbeat with no success, she wanted to do an ultrasound to see that everything was okay….
We walked down the long hallway to another room with the ultrasound machine, with high hopes that we were going to see our wiggly peanut again.
We saw the baby, but this time there was no movement and no visible heartbeat.
I thought maybe it was the machine not working but our doctor had another doctor come in for confirmation….
That moment was a blur of confusion and went so fast….when the doctor said, “I’m so sorry you guys”, it clicked in my brain that we lost the baby.
She told us that the baby stopped developing at 9 weeks, which was only 3 days after we saw our little one moving.
I laid there, tears pouring down my face, in disbelief….
Miscarriage did not cross my mind at the time because I felt perfectly fine and the baby seemed to be doing great.
My heart sunk and I couldn’t stop crying.
As we walked out of the building to the parking lot, I felt like collapsing to my knees.
Our hearts shattered into a million pieces that day.
Khyle held me in his comforting arms, being the amazing, loving husband that he is. Both of us had never experienced this sort of heartbreak….
When we got home all we could do was just hold each other.
Khyle took a shower, and I heard him begin to sob. I held him in my arms as we grieved over the loss of our baby.
To see him cry as he did that day, tore me apart.
The whole rest of that day was spent in tears and confusion.
It was a whole week until the surgery to remove the baby and the contents of the pregnancy. As if losing the baby weren’t enough, surgery really triggers my anxiety.
I cannot begin to explain the horrible feelings of carrying the lifeless body that was still in my womb.
Before we found out that we lost the baby, I would talk to and make sure that the baby knew that we love him/her. Then knowing that the baby was still in my belly but not alive, was the one of the most terrible things that I have ever experienced. I consider myself to be very empathetic, and feeling that this being once existed in me, no longer exists, broke my heart and messed with my mind.
The surgery was really nerve-raking for Khyle and I, but it went smoothly. We went home, rested, and thanked the universe, that through it all, we still have each other.
After the procedure, my first period was horrendous….
It was the worst pain that I have ever been in, in my entire life.
I was vomiting, bleeding more than I have ever bleed on a period, and the pain was so severe that I almost went to the emergency room.
As we were about to head out the door to the hospital, I told myself that I could get through it. Khyle gently rubbed my aching body, talked to me softly and sweetly, and said mantras to get me through the pain.
After what seemed to be the whole night of agony, throwing up, and bleeding, I finally fell asleep….
The next day, I passed something, that to this day, do not know for sure what it was….but it was definitely contents of the pregnancy. I strangely felt 100% better after whatever it was, was out of me.
Although the little soul we created was sent back to stars, Khyle and I have grown even stronger together.
We were up to the challenge of being parents and excited to have the baby, but the universe decided that we were destined for another path.
More time for it to be just the two of us.
The lessons learned from this experience are forever ingrained in our brains….
We learned that we are both strong enough to face a challenge as hard as this one.
We learned that we are capable of becoming the people we needed to be, for not only ourselves, but for the person that we were going to bring into the world.
We learned that life is unpredictable and the only thing we can do is live in the present moment.
We learned that we absolutely love just being together, just us two.
We learned that the universe granted us the opportunity to grow and learn more about ourselves as individuals and as a couple.
The miscarriage is the ultimate balance to all of the beautiful, amazing, happy, wonderful things that we have experienced together.
We are so grateful for our star angel.
Thank you, little one, for all that you have taught us. You are always with us in our hearts.